Thoughts Aren't Facts: 10 Thinking Traps to Notice

Your manager says, "Got a minute?" and your stomach drops. A friend leaves you on read and you think, "I've annoyed them." You burn the toast and hear, "Typical. I can't do anything right."

These thoughts arrive fast, without being invited, and they feel completely true in the moment. But how true a thought feels has very little to do with how true it is.

Where harsh thoughts come from

Automatic thoughts often grow out of old beliefs about ourselves. If you grew up being criticized or blamed, your mind may have learned to expect the worst and to point the finger inward first. Those beliefs keep producing thoughts that match them.

The good news is that thoughts can be noticed, questioned and practised differently.

10 common thinking traps

Psychologists have described a set of common patterns that make thoughts less accurate. Here are ten in everyday terms.

1. All or nothing. If it isn't perfect, it's a failure.

2. Mind reading. You decide what someone thinks without asking. "She's quiet, so she must be mad at me."

3. Fortune telling. You predict a bad outcome and treat it as certain. "The interview will go terribly."

4. Magnifying and shrinking. Problems look huge, wins look tiny.

5. Taking it personally. You feel responsible for things outside your control, like someone else's bad mood.

6. Disqualifying the good. A compliment gets explained away. "He's just being polite."

7. Always and never. One event becomes a rule. "I always mess things up."

8. Labels. One mistake turns into a name. "I'm an idiot."

9. Should statements. Rigid rules about how you must be, usually stricter for you than for anyone else.

10. Feelings as facts. "I feel like a burden, so I must be one."

Most people recognize a few of these in themselves. That's normal. Spotting the trap is the first step out of it.

Questions that loosen a thought

Pick one thought that keeps coming back and try a few of these:

• What's the evidence for this? What's the evidence against it?

• Has there been a time when this wasn't true?

• Does this thought make my day better or worse?

• If a close friend said this about themselves, what would I tell them?

• Is there another way to see what happened?

You're not trying to force yourself to think positively. You're trying to think accurately. Often the accurate version is a lot kinder than the automatic one.

Keep it small

Questioning every thought all day would wear anyone out. One or two a day is plenty. Some people like to write the thought down, name the trap and then write a more balanced version next to it.

With practice, you start catching thoughts while they're happening instead of hours later. That's your brain building a new habit through repetition, the same way it built the old one.

Worth remembering

When you call yourself names, you're talking about someone's friend, coworker, partner or parent. You'd never let anyone speak about them that way. The same courtesy can apply to you.

Curious where harsh self-talk starts? Our free book, Why Am I the Way I Am?, explains how early experiences shape the way we see ourselves. Get the free book

A thought that shows up fast has simply been practised a lot. Kinder, more accurate thoughts can be practised too.

This article is for general education and isn't therapy. If you're in crisis, call or text 988 (Canada and US).